


The one with the disembodied penis

by KD writes (KDHeart)



Category: Povestea poveștilor | The Tale of All Tales - Ion Creangă, Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Boners, Background Relationships, Crack, Disembodied Penis, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Other, despite the premise there isn't any sex happening, how the hell do i tag for everything involving the semi-sentient disembodied penis?, implied Team Free Love - Freeform, it has a mind of its own, it's all fun and games until the dicks start swinging, nor is it a very tasteful one, this is in no way a serious story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 13:11:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19006462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD%20writes
Summary: There is no plot. Dean finds a dick in a curse box and it's all downhill from there.





	The one with the disembodied penis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sarshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarshi/gifts), [Whit Merule (whit_merule)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whit_merule/gifts).



> I started writing this back in 2014 and I finally got around to finishing it (you can probably tell where I initially left off in this story). It didn't go where I initially planned and maybe that's for the best. 
> 
> Ion Creangă is either spinning in his grave, or rolling in it with laughter. 'Povestea Poveștiolor (aka Povestea Pulii)' | The Tale of All Tales (aka The Prick's Tale) is an actual story written by an actual classic romanian author and it's more or less the story Gabe tells in the fic (God is a trickster figure in Romanian folklore and turning people's crops to dicks is the least He's credited for)
> 
> This story is for Sarshi, who got me a copy of the original story (and nearly got us both kicked out of class, because we couldn't stop giggling), and for Whit Merule, who put up with me at 3am when the plotbunny bit me back in 2013.

The Men of Letters bunker was full of surprises. Even all this time later, they still didn’t have a proper inventory of everything that was stored there and, considering the sort of crap some of the objects there could cause, it wasn’t a good idea to just leave them lying there without knowing what they do.

Following the same logic, it wasn’t a good idea to poke at them to see what they did, either.

There had been a number of memorable incidents that both Winchesters and their respective angels wished they could forget and then a few less serious ones that Dean _really_ wished Gabriel would forget… and that one time Dean and Castiel never talked about. Ever.

Thing is, they should have learned by now not to poke around in curse boxes, especially if they’re unmarked and locked up in the lower levels of the bunker, even if they ‘don’t look all that ominous, dude’.

Dean was staring at the content of the curse box he’d just carelessly opened, despite Sam’s flailing and urgent “Don’t, Dean! Seriously, remember last time!”

Despite his apprehension, Sam looked over Dean’s shoulder, since the box was already open.

Inside, on a soft velvet cushion, lay a perfectly preserved human phallus. It was reasonably sized and, had it still been attached to its owner, it would have counted as erect. Why someone would preserve a dick like that, was beyond Sam.

“This thing can’t be real!” Dean breathed, poking it with a finger – it felt like skin, actual human skin, not some sort of rubber, or plastic, or whatever they might have made eerily realistic dildos out of in the past. “Why on earth would anyone stuff a dick?”

“Don’t touch it!” Sam warned him, but it was too late. His brother had already taken it out of the box and was weighing it in his hand. “How old are you, dude?”

“This thing isn’t stuffed,” Dean said, surprised. He pointed the disembodied phallus at his brother and waved it to make his point.

It wiggled in his hand.

Sam was _really_ grateful Gabriel wasn’t around to see this. He wouldn’t stop talking about it for a month if he knew what they’d found.

“Fuck me!” Dean exclaimed. “This thing still has a pulse!”

He opened his hand slightly and whistled in amazement.

Right then, the dick sprung to life and circled Dean a couple of times, before diving for his ass.

Dean dropped the box and tried to swat it away with his hands, but the prick kept rubbing against his jeans, as if it could wear through them and get to his asshole through sheer persistence.

Sam started laughing. “Well, you asked for it!”

“Not funny, Sam!” Dean barked, but he was laughing a bit, too. “Get this thing off of me!”

Sam reached out and gingerly wrapped his hand around the penis, trying to pull it away. Not only did it have a mind of its own, but the thing was stronger than you’d expect disembodied body part to be.

Of course, that was the exact moment Gabriel would walk in to see Sam pulling at the prick that kept thrusting uselessly towards Dean’s denim clad ass.

“Cas wanted to know if you found anything, but I guess that answers his question,” Gabriel said, keeping a straight face. “Is that what I think it is?”

Of course Gabriel would be excited by something like this. Sam huffed a sigh and tugged on the dick again, but to no avail.

“Yes, it’s a disembodied penis. Have a good laugh, get it out of your system and give Sam a hand, because the fucking thing won’t leave me alone!” Dean said through gritted teeth.

“I can’t believe that thing’s still around!” Gabriel said, walking up to Sam, but stuffing his hands in his pockets to make it clear that he’s not going to help just yet. “One of my favorite tricks ever.”

“You mean this is your doing?” Sam asked and he really shouldn’t have sounded this surprised – this was Gabriel they were talking about; he had the sense of humor of a twelve year old.

Gabriel shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. “Guilty.”

“Then you know how to turn it off, right?” Dean growled.

“Well, yeah,” Gabriel admitted. “But the poor thing’s been stuck in that box for ages! It might even be the last of its kind! Can’t you just let it do its thing before stuffing it back in that old, musty box again?”

“You mean there’s more of these out there?” Sam squawked.

“Sure. A whole field of them, if I recall correctly.” The archangel sounded so innocent, you’d think he was talking about corn, not semi-sentient, floating pricks.

“Why would you even do something like this?”

“Well, I was working on this really asshole priest at the time – he found himself a cozy job at a nunnery as their confessor, but really he was just taking advantage of the girls. Most of the stuff they needed confessing was done with him, if you know what I mean?” he said coyly, while watching Sam’s fingers wrap more firmly around the dick. “Anyway, I was bored of monastic life and convinced a novice to go for a walk with me – the kid had a great sense of humor and was stuck there because of his family, but that’s besides the point. So we were walking in the fields – this was a few centuries ago, somewhere in Eastern Europe. Probably Romania, or something,” he digressed again.

“Get to the point!” Dean urged him. His voice sounded strained and his hands had stopped flailing after the dick at his back, instead settling gingerly in front of his crotch, trying to mask the effect the situation was having on him.

“Ok, ok, keep your pants on!” Gabriel sniggered. “So there was this peasant working his field alone. And by hand, but it wasn’t that big a field, anyway. So my companion asked him what he was sowing and the guy goes ‘Dicks, your holinesses. I’m planting myself a nice field of dicks!’ With a line like that, you couldn’t expect me to just pass off the chance. So I turned his corn to dicks. Imagine his face when it was time to reap his field and saw the harvest.”

Sam turned to Gabriel with an appalled look. “You messed with the poor guy’s livelihood just because you thought it would be fun?” For a moment, he sounded more scandalized by the idea of Gabriel acting like a dick several centuries ago, than by his brother being assaulted by one of the resulting dicks in the present day.

“What? No!” Gabriel protested. “The guy made a fortune selling them to unhappily married women. The local noble ladies ate them up like fresh bread!” He chuckled and added with a suggestive wink, “And quite a few of the monks, too.”

Sam rolled his eyes. Dean groaned in frustration, equally directed at Gabriel and the building tension in his groin, though with different intentions towards each.

“How do we make it stop, Gabriel!” Sam insisted.

His fingers were slipping on the appendage and, to his shock, he realized that the enthusiastic little thing had started leaking.

“Great,” he concluded, “it’s a self-lubricating disembodied semi-sentient dick!”

“You know I like to give 110%,” Gabriel bragged.

Dean let out a groan and fell to his knees in a futile attempt to save what was left of his dignity.

It wasn’t working.

The prick had given up on the back of Dean’s trousers and moved between his thighs, pushing back and forth between them as if it knew the effect it caused. For all Sam could tell, it probably did.

“So, I set up the farmer with the harvest of picks and I still had the priest to take care of,” Gabriel went on. “This was the gift that kept on giving.”

Sam gave up. His efforts were useless and someone had to keep Gabriel on track if they wanted to get an answer out of him, so he turned his full attention on the archangel.

“What did you do?” he asked suspiciously.

Gabriel beamed at him.

“I disguised myself as a boyar’s wife and offered to tell the farmer how to turn a profit in exchange for a specimen of my choosing – don’t look at me like that, Sam! You know I had to try them out!”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“The frown on your face told me you were thinking it. It was three wrinkles deep.”

“Keep going,” Sam encouraged him. “So you got your hands on one of the dicks of your own making. What did you do with it?”

“Well, if you want details, Samsquatch, I can show you.” His eyebrows did a complicated and highly suggestive dance as he spoke.

“You’d have to get it off Dean first,” Sam pointed out.

“Oh, I’m in no hurry if you aren’t. Anyway, I gave the guy the user manual, if you will; I took my own prick for a spin for a few days, to work out all the kinks; and I managed to get myself invited over to the priest’s house. There was some sort of village party and he insisted I stay the night with the other guests. I insisted I needed my special box from home and I couldn’t stay without it. Played coy until he decided to go and bring it himself.”

Dean had moved into a sitting position on the floor, his legs crossed, hands folded in his lap, forcing the penis to circle around him like an irritated fly.

“What is the point, dude?” he growled.

“Have some patience, Deano! I’m giving you the abridged version, as it is!”

Just then, the dick settled on Dean’s shoulder and started to rub itself against his cheek in a pathetic grab for attention. Sam felt incredibly guilty, but the small giggle burst out of him anyway.

Gabriel looked smug.

“So, the priest gets to the house, he asks the servants for my special box, my maid brings it to him and off he goes, on a quest to bring me dick. Now, had he come straight home and given me the box, that would be the end of the story. But obviously, he didn’t. He had to know what was inside! So he stopped by the edge of the wood and opened the box. Unlike Pandora before him, all he got was dick!”

The statement was met with a double groan from the Winchesters and the sound of Sam’s palm smacking his own forehead.

“Come on, you knew that was coming!”

“Just get to the point, Gabriel,” Sam said through gritted teeth.

“So the priest sees the dick, lying there, on its plush velvet cushion and whistles in amazement – they were all very good looking pricks, but obviously I picked the best one of the whole crop – and out it flies, ready for action!”

His statement was punctuated by the sound of the disembodied dick smacking against the back of Dean’s head.

“Unlike our Dean, the priest freaks out and runs for the woods, which leaves him kind of an easy target. These things have a really strong homing sense!”

“Sitting down seems to work,” Dean assured him, smacking at the organ again to keep it away from his face. “But seriously, this is getting tiring and it stopped being funny about the time my own dick started reacting. I assume the priest guy got his comeuppance and that they were well deserved,” he said, pushing the flying prick out of his line of sight, “but can we get back on track?”

Gabriel crossed the floor to Dean and very seriously grabbed the penis out of the air. “Whoa, there!” he said and the organ went limp in his hand.

“That’s it?” Sam asked incredulously.

“Did you expect candles and a two page scroll?”

Sam shrugged. “Wouldn’t put it past you.”

“Had to keep it short and simple for the ladies. Didn’t want them getting caught – it would have raised all sorts of questions,” Gabriel explained.

Castiel walked in, looking worried. “I sent Gabriel to check in on you, but he hasn’t come back…”

Dean was sitting on the ground, his clothes a mess. Sam was giving Gabriel odd looks from across his brother. As for the archangel, he was standing over Dean, holding a limp penis that obviously did not belong to anyone in the room.

He paused for a second to take it all in.

“I thought the last one was burned in Budapest 98 years ago,” he finally said.

“This one somehow made it across the ocean.” Gabriel was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. “Aren’t they great?”

Dean rubbed his temples, then tried to push himself up.

Castiel was at his side in an instant.

“I’m gonna need some help, here, Cas,” Dean hesitated.

“I’ll take you to your room,” Castiel assured him.

Gabriel was watching them leave with a knowing smirk.

“What do you say, Samsquatch?” he asked, waving the prick around nonchalantly. “Wanna take this for a spin? I can show you a few tricks.”

Sam cursed his own curiosity. “I bet you could,” he said, plucking the dick out of Gabriel’s hand and weighing it appraisingly in his own.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The one with the disembodied penis [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19200214) by [KD reads (KDHeart)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD%20reads)




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